a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't put those talents on a resume
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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