It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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