You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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