totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
