Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
