I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
