You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
