I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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