my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Randomize
