Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
