and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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