I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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