I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
