life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
