remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
