When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
