so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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