why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
