i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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