I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
