He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
