I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
