So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
