Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize