Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
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