I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
