Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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