I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
