I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
