It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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