Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
