and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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