I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
