How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
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