Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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