No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize