Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
