Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
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i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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