I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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