Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Randomize
