I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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