I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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