Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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