I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
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You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
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Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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