I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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