I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
As shirtless as possible
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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