You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
