The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
