That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
