Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
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