Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
