I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
