I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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