I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
